In recent years, there’s been a much-needed rise in awareness about perimenopause, and over the past month, I’ve immersed myself in the conversation. While it’s empowering to see women’s health finally getting the attention it deserves, I can’t help but feel confronted. As a woman who hasn’t had children (yet!), engaging with this topic has stirred up emotions and questions I didn’t fully anticipate.
Until recently, I hadn’t really thought much about being a mother. I wasn’t someone who dreamt about what my future child might look like, or saw motherhood as life’s ultimate goal. For most of my adult life, I told myself I’d be okay if it didn’t happen. But something has shifted in the past few years. I now realise I would love to have a baby. Looking back, I think my earlier thinking was a way to protect myself from disappointment. That’s a whole other blog, though!
Being in that perimenopause category, 35-45 years old, I’ve found myself reflecting deeply on what this stage means for me. While I’m grateful for all the knowledge I now have about this transition in a woman’s fertility, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel sad—or a little scared. The idea that my chance to become a mother is dwindling, and that there might not be much I can do about it, is a tough reality to sit with.
And yet, I’m still old-school. I still hold onto the hope that one day (very soon, please, Gawrd!), someone might decide to stick around, fall in love with me, and—how do I put this delicately?—put a baby in me. I know it sounds crude, but I think that’s how it works, right? I’m still a romantic at heart and believe love is an important ingredient in baby-making.
So here I am, equipped with all this great knowledge about perimenopause, ready to take charge of my health, but also feeling a mix of gratitude, sadness, and fear.
Embracing the Inevitable
Navigating perimenopause feels a bit like seeing that very enthusiastic nosey aunty at a family party. You know the one—she’s waving at you from across the room, and you know you’ll have to say hello eventually. It’s polite, it’s expected, and there’s no way to avoid her. But deep down, you wish you could.
That’s what perimenopause feels like: unavoidable, inevitable, and a little bit annoying. Every woman will go through it, whether she likes it or not. The question is, how do you embrace the end of your fertile years while holding onto the hope of becoming a mother someday?
For single, childless women like me, this transition comes with an added layer of complexity—grief. Grief for the possibility that motherhood might not happen the way we’d hoped. Grief for the years spent building a career, healing from past heartbreaks, or just figuring out who we are. And yet, there’s still room for hope.
If you’re grappling with the complexity, here’s what I’ve learnt as I've journeyed with women and myself — I hope sharing might help you too.
1. Hold On to Hope
It might sound counterintuitive, but hope can be a lifeline. Don’t rush to the end of the story just yet—you really don’t know what the next six months, year, or two years could hold. I’ve seen women go from single to married with a baby on the way in what feels like no time at all. If it can happen for them, it can happen for you, too.
Allowing yourself to hope keeps stress and anxiety at bay. Stress increases cortisol, which not only affects your mood but can also mimic perimenopause symptoms like brain fog, weight gain, and headaches. So here you are, thinking you’re knee-deep in perimenopause, when really, you’re just stressed out.
Hope, on the other hand, shifts your focus from fear to possibility. It’s not a cure-all, but it creates a mental buffer, helping you see challenges as temporary and solvable. Even research shows that hopeful people are more resilient, with lower stress levels and a greater ability to bounce back.
2. Make a Plan
If you’re a romantic like me and dream of being madly in love while building a family, then it’s time to make a plan. Are you dating? Putting yourself out there? Are you clear about what you want? And yes—have you shaved your legs recently? (A little humour to ease the pressure!)
Go into the dating world with confidence, not desperation (desperation is not cute). Be bold about your goals—there are men out there who want to be dads but just haven’t met the right person yet. You could be that person.
If romance feels like it’s taking too long, consider alternative paths to motherhood. Egg or sperm donation, fostering, and adoption are all valid and beautiful options. Adoption, in particular, is a route I find deeply fulfilling—but I know it’s not right for everyone. Whatever feels right to you, do the research. Explore the idea, even if it’s just to understand your options.
3. Talk About How You Feel
Talking about how you feel is a vital step in navigating the emotional complexities of perimenopause and the uncertainty surrounding motherhood. It might feel vulnerable to share your deepest fears and hopes, but it’s also incredibly freeing. When you let someone into your thoughts, you create space for connection, empathy, and support—and that can make a world of difference.
Find someone you trust—a close friend, a family member, or even a colleague who’s been through a similar journey. If they’re in the same boat as you, they may offer validation and solidarity, reminding you that you’re not alone. If they’re a mother, they can provide perspective and insight, showing you that your worth isn’t tied to whether or not you have children.
There’s science to back this up. Studies have shown that talking about your feelings can reduce stress, lower cortisol levels, and even improve physical health. When you share your thoughts with someone, your brain releases oxytocin—a hormone that promotes feelings of trust and connection. This not only helps you feel more supported but can also have a calming effect, reducing feelings of overwhelm and isolation.
5. Practise Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the art of being kind to yourself, especially during moments of difficulty or perceived failure. It’s about treating yourself with the same understanding and care you’d offer a close friend facing a similar challenge. For many women navigating the emotional and physical hurdles of perimenopause or the uncertainty around motherhood, self-compassion can be a transformative tool.
At its core, self-compassion involves three elements:
Self-Kindness: Recognising that it’s okay to feel pain, grief, or frustration and responding to those feelings with gentleness rather than criticism.
Common Humanity: Understanding that you’re not alone in your struggles—others face similar challenges, and it’s part of being human.
Mindfulness: Acknowledging your emotions without judgment, rather than suppressing or exaggerating them.
Here are some practical ways to practise self-compassion:
Journal with Purpose
Journaling is a powerful way to process emotions and gain clarity. Start by writing down your thoughts and feelings, no matter how messy they seem. Then, challenge yourself to reframe negative narratives into compassionate ones. For example, if you write, “I’m scared I’ll never have a baby,” you might reframe it as, “It’s okay to feel scared about the future. I’m doing my best to take care of myself, and I’m open to possibilities.”
Create a Self-Care Ritual
Build moments of comfort into your daily routine, even if they’re small. Light a candle, make yourself a cup of tea, take a relaxing bath, or go for a gentle walk in nature. These rituals remind you to slow down and prioritise your well-being.
Seek Support When You Need It
Sometimes, self-compassion means recognising when you need help and allowing yourself to receive it. As women, we can be made to feel like we are being over emotional, but if this is a
rough time for you, speaking with a therapist or coach can give you the tools to process grief, explore your feelings, and build a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
5. Take Care of Your Health: A Win-Win
Whether you end up having a baby or not, looking after your health is never a waste of time. Engaging in conversations about fertility and perimenopause can feel like admitting defeat—but it’s actually the opposite. Taking charge of your health now can even delay menopause by two to three years, giving you more time to make those dreams a reality.
Focus on nutrition, exercise, and managing stress. These aren’t just good for fertility—they’re good for you.
Final Thoughts
The transition into perimenopause comes with a whole host of emotional and physical challenges. For women who wanted to be mothers but haven’t had the chance yet, those challenges can feel even more profound.
If you’re reading this as someone navigating those emotions, I see you. And if you’re reading this as a friend of someone who’s struggling, let her know you see her too. Tell her she’s valuable, worthy, and enough—whether or not she ever becomes a mother.
Because that’s the truth: you are whole and worthy, just as you are. Mother or not.
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